Finally!!! Part Two…

29 May

Disclaimer 1) If you haven’t already done so, you might want to read Section 1 first.

Disclaimer 2) As it was not made abundantly clear in Section 1, it should be mentioned that I am a Batman fan, first and foremost (probably second and third-most as well). After all he beat down Supes with cunning and guile. Yes, he may have had some help from Kyrptonite Gauntlets, along with the Flash, the Atom and a Robot Dinosaur, but he is “The Man!” and shall always be my number one. Think about it, who else would have made Kryptonite Gauntlets?! Alas, I digress.

Section 2) – The Disappointments and Heartaches:

They say “Love is Blind!”, after all why would a jilted lover return to the one who hurts them over and over again? Though I do not love Smallville, I find myself sharing similar characteristics with jilted lovers all over the world. It hurts me time and time again, and, yet, I keep returning to it, past indiscretions seemingly forgotten.

Some of the more hurtful betrayals include:

The Ongoing Quarrel:

Year in, year out there is always something that will spark an argument amongst a loving couple. As mentioned in Section 1, not flying and no suit, might fit into this description, but there is, however, a third contender. A “does my bum look fat in this dress” type of inescapable scenario. The “does my plot look horrific in this order?”

Yes. Yes it does!

For years now, Smallville has used the same formula. Apparently not fixing what isn’t broken seems to be the mantra of the studio. If only someone had told them it was broken. A new season goes like this:

  • There are about three to five minutes between the “Previously, on Smallville!” and the opening credits of the first episode of a new season. The studio takes these precious minutes and decides to conclude, and wrap up the big cliff hanger from the previous season. Three to Five minutes to kill a story that was growing for “an entire season”. Twelve months of foreplay for a three minute, and quite frankly disappointing, climax.
  • The remainder of the first episode of the season starts to lay the foundation of the new “Big Bad”, with hints, whispers and a lot of guess work needed on behalf of the viewer.
  • The next three episodes follow this trail and might include the collateral damage from the previous season’s “Big Bad”, now entitled “Soon-to-be-forgotten-slightly-smaller-Bad”.
  • The following fifteen or so episodes completely drop the story line and seem to wander off to get lost in the woods, tripping over random background stories and introducing nuggets of the DC Universe, after letting the writers butcher them first. Of course.
  • The last five episodes wake up in the woods, remember there was a story to be told and get to work on rushing through the story only to cut the last three to five minutes so they have something for the start of the next season.
  • Rinse and repeat! For ten years!

The Name Calling:

Calling out a different name while sharing a romantic, passionate moment with someone, is nothing short of disastrous. Maybe even relationship-breaking. Yet again, Smallville does not disappoint. Clark Kent runs around Metropolis fighting crime and then vandalizing the city by laser tagging a nearby surface with The House of El’s coat of arms, the iconic:

With the symbol scattered all over Metropolis, the good people decide to name their Unseen Hero, The Blur. This is apparently short for The Red-Blue Blur. May I please be forgiven for admitting this truth. Every time I hear one of the most recognized Super Hero’s in the world referred to as the Blur, all I can picture is this:

Coincidentally I had two of these as a child. Why two? Well, one fell to the ole “let’s take it apart and see how it works, but then can’t put it back together quite the way it was supposed to be” scheme. That’s not really relevant at this point I guess.

The Great Pretender:

Imagine the horror. You wake up to find that the person you have shared a decent portion of your life with, has pretended to be somebody else. They say, “A Picture speaks a thousand words”:

The more and more I compare Smallville to a loving partner, the deeper my depression goes. The rage and the anger have subsided only to be replaced with a feeling of inadequacy on my part. What did I do to make the show hurt me so many times? Was it my fault? Where did I go wrong?

Screw that! Onto “Section 3 – YOU DID WHAT! – How they butchered the DC Universe and the Superman Lore”.

This will be followed by “Section 4 – The Finale! – Oh, you can’t quite get it up, they have pills for that you know!”

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Posted by on May 29, 2011 in television brings the pain, Uncategorized


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