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Finally!!! Part 3 & 4… let’s just be done with this

31 Aug

Ok. Fine! I admit it, this blog has become stale. Here’s the skinny: I spent quite a lot of time researching past episodes, building up an impressive reference gallery filled with action shots and relevant images. While all this was going on I had several other brain farts for Blog articles and began fleshing them out. The longer and longer this seemed to go on, the more I strayed away from the Smallville bashing. Then of course came that “Well, if I go back to it now, it’s just going to be awkward and long winded. It’s been too long!” phase. To hell with it, I want to move on, but I hate not having closure, so the extremely abridged version.

Whilst sitting at home one evening, watching an episode from the second half of Season 10, a certain character uttered one simple line. Upon hearing this line I became angry. Hulk angry. I threw cushions at the t.v. (not irrationally angry), the Shrimp hid under the blue crystals that decorate the bottom of their sphere, dogs within a one mile radius started howling and cats turned on their owners. I was disgusted. The hatred that flowed through my veins for that one character bubbled and boiled, and thus, the anti Smallville blog was born.

After counting to ten thousand, trying to calm down, I had a revelation: “I’ve always hated this character!”. My name is Graham and I hate Chloe Sullivan:

I don’t know whether to start by quoting that line and going on a rant, or by simply stating the character’s history and why she annoyed me from beginning to end? Perhaps the latter might be better for all involved.

Chloe was the only character that was not previously part of the Superman canon. She never appeared in any of the comics, nor on any lunch boxes. A brand new, still in its box character for a refreshing new Teen Super Hero t.v. show.

The fact that this character had no origins could have contributed to the “wtf are they doing with her now” moments we had over ten seasons. May I present, “Chloe, the summary:”

  • Hi, I’m chirpy and my character is supposed to be like Dana Scully. I have the “Wall of Weird!”
  • Hi, I’m chirpy and think I might be in love with Clark Kent.
  • Hi, I’m chirpy and I do definitely love Clark, but he definitely loves Lana, so now I’m sad, but I still manage to be overly chirpy.
  • Hi, I’m chirpy and told Clark how I feel, and I also found out that he has powers like all the other weirdoes on my Wall of Weird. Oh wait, now I know he is an Alien. Chirp-tastic!
  • Hi, I’m chirpy, Lois Lane is my cousin and I now live in the same coffee house that Lana lived in because I love Clark, so it stands to reason he will love me back if I live my life like mopey-mcmopey face Lana.
  • Hi, I’m chirpy, I now work for the Daily Planet as a reporter, I still love Clark, but now we are best friends and this photography guy Jimmy Olesen is kind of cute.
  • Hi, I’m chirpy, I am going to marry Jimmy, still love Clark, still chirpy, no longer working for the Daily Planet, instead I have taken over Lana’s uber-tech spy facility. I have always hacked into everything for my darling Clark, so it seems high tech spy person is a good fit.
  • Hi, I’m not really chirpy at the moment, Doomsday murdered Jimmy on our wedding day. Even though I used Black Kryptonite to separate Doomsday and the dishy Kryptonian who he shares a symbiotic relationship with. The dishy Kryptonian died while murdering Jimmy.
  • Still love Clark.
  • Hi, I’m sorta back to chirpy, but not quite. I am now after moving my high tech spy gig into a building we have fondly called “The Watchtower”_(1). I have read all the comics relating to Oracle_(2) and have decided to take that role for myself.
  • Hi, I’m chirpy again, I vanished for a while, you know, running the Suicide Squad_(3), but I am still pretending to be Oracle.
  • Hi, I’m definitely chirpy again. I still love Clark, but now I think I might fancy me some Green Arrow. Yum.
  • Hi I’m married and chirpy, and apparently I am Speedy’s_(4) mom. Clark still gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling though.

And that pretty much sums up Chloe Sullivan. Oh, did I forget to mention the line that pissed me off? Well, during a particular episode, Chloe decides to pat herself on the back for making Clark the Superman he is today. Yup, that’s right. Her new job is to bring teen heroes to their full potential. “I can help heroes like you reach their full potential. There is a billionaire playboy with expensive gadgets, and a Wonderous Woman who can use my help!”

*twitch*

Excuse me? Apparently our dear, chirpy, friend Chloe *twitch* is going to help all these heroes reach their full potential! *twitch* Batman??!! Really??!! BATMAN WILL EAT YOUR CHIRPINESS FOR DINNER!!! I mean honestly, who the f**k do they think they are? To say that this, this, spit of blondness could have anything to contribute to Batman’s rise is a complete farce, and I took it personally. How dare they! I don’t think I could ever forgive the writers for this, and you know what? I won’t.

Even the piss-poor ending, where Supes simply gives Apokolips a little shove to save the day (after receiving his costume from the ghost of his dead human father, in the house of his dead kryptonian father), doesn’t come close to the pain and anger that they caused with this line. Rest in peace Smallville. May we never see Chloe Sullivan again.

Here endeth the lesson.

(1) The Watchtower: Bruce Wayne’s contribution to the Justice League, post crisis. They set this up in orbit to detect future Alien Invasions. The Martian Manhunter stands ever vigilant on board.

(2) Oracle. Barbara Gordon. Previously Batgirl until she was shot by the Joker and paralyzed from the waist down. An amazing character as she hangs up the tights and goes on to become an incredible asset to the Bat family as Oracle. Hacker, information-gatherer, communications expert, and all round bad ass. This is a serious character and one that should not have been wee’d on by the writers of Smallville.

(3) The Suicide Squad. No room for Chirpiness here. Move along!

.(4) Speedy. Son of Green Arrow. Eventually goes on to become the rather impressive Red Arrow. The final scene of Smallville see’s him in the arms of his beloved mother, Chloe, in the background you can see plastic arrows with little suction cups

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Posted by on August 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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