Ah, 2012!

05 Jan

Image“The New Year”. What a load of horse radish! If you ask someone “So what are your New Years Resolutions?” you will possibly get one of three answers:

  1. <generic for social type>. Smokers quit smoking. Unfit people go to the gym. Fatties (it’s ok, I am one) quit cupcakes, and, just maybe, go to the gym.
  2. Random off the wall stuff to indicate that the person is harboring some secret resolution that they don’t want you to know about. Likely candidates include, cut down the porn or get involved in new porn. Actually tell that bitch in work that she is a thundering bitch. And then try to sleep with her. Stop licking the monitor when a picture of a cupcake shows up in the hopes that the monitor will taste of said, delicious cupcake.  
  3. Oh, you know, the same as last year!

There are several issues with the three answers above. Mostly, number three, “the same as last year!” So, you mean you actually failed at all your resolutions and have to make the same ones again because you lack even the smallest bit of will power to put down one teeny tiny cupcake? In our defense, they are so very deliciously good. 

It’s all crap! I don’t make resolutions. Not because I am trying to be cool and rebel against what is socially acceptable, I do that by being an Irishman who rarely drinks – the socially acceptable part, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be cool. I don’t make resolutions because a) I don’t have the spare willpower to try and make myself miserable by letting go of smoking or cupcakes and b) for me, it’s not the New Year. 

This reaction is usually met with, but it’s a fresh new year, new start, a world of possibilities. To those people I say, “where is my hover board?” If you are getting that excited by a “fresh New Year”, why not go smaller? It’s a fresh New Month or it’s Monday, a fresh New Week? This week I will only eat 14 cupcakes! Might as well go as low as an hourly rate. “This hour I won’t eat a cupcake. Instead I will eat two later!” 

No I refuse to accept that January first marks a new year for me. For me a new year begins on my birthday and people celebrate that, or should celebrate that, by showering me with presents galore. I am a pressie whore. I love them! I really do. The more the merrier I say. No one ever asks you what your New Years resolutions are on your birthday do they? Usually it’s “Pint?” or “Need help building that giant Lego Millenium Falcon. Why are you growling at me like that?” I am a year older…i.e. this is a new year for me!

I have noticed it is the more religious people who seem to “celebrate” times like this, while still mumbling about how its not about the commercialism, it’s about the religious idea behind it. “Oh it’s Jesus’ birthday, where is my new toy and did you remember batteries this year?” “Oh it’s Easter, let’s hack down some palm trees and give up chocolate for 40 days and 40 nights and then gorge ourselves on giant eggs made of chocolate, but only the ones with the proper bars inside, not the fake mockiya ones.” When Jesus went into the desert it wasn’t to give up chocolate – just sayin’.

Maybe this year I should make a resolution not to go off on tangents! 

In summary. I don’t like or acknowledge New Year, but I don’t hate or begrudge anyone who does, I hope you had a mad time on New Years Eve. I do hate and begrudge the people who insist that I MUST make a New Years Resolution! Smokers who quit smoking and then lecture current smokers are these type of people. Go away!

On that note, cupcakes:


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