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Finally!!! Part Two…

Disclaimer 1) If you haven’t already done so, you might want to read Section 1 first.

Disclaimer 2) As it was not made abundantly clear in Section 1, it should be mentioned that I am a Batman fan, first and foremost (probably second and third-most as well). After all he beat down Supes with cunning and guile. Yes, he may have had some help from Kyrptonite Gauntlets, along with the Flash, the Atom and a Robot Dinosaur, but he is “The Man!” and shall always be my number one. Think about it, who else would have made Kryptonite Gauntlets?! Alas, I digress.

Section 2) – The Disappointments and Heartaches:

They say “Love is Blind!”, after all why would a jilted lover return to the one who hurts them over and over again? Though I do not love Smallville, I find myself sharing similar characteristics with jilted lovers all over the world. It hurts me time and time again, and, yet, I keep returning to it, past indiscretions seemingly forgotten.

Some of the more hurtful betrayals include:

The Ongoing Quarrel:

Year in, year out there is always something that will spark an argument amongst a loving couple. As mentioned in Section 1, not flying and no suit, might fit into this description, but there is, however, a third contender. A “does my bum look fat in this dress” type of inescapable scenario. The “does my plot look horrific in this order?”

Yes. Yes it does!

For years now, Smallville has used the same formula. Apparently not fixing what isn’t broken seems to be the mantra of the studio. If only someone had told them it was broken. A new season goes like this:

  • There are about three to five minutes between the “Previously, on Smallville!” and the opening credits of the first episode of a new season. The studio takes these precious minutes and decides to conclude, and wrap up the big cliff hanger from the previous season. Three to Five minutes to kill a story that was growing for “an entire season”. Twelve months of foreplay for a three minute, and quite frankly disappointing, climax.
  • The remainder of the first episode of the season starts to lay the foundation of the new “Big Bad”, with hints, whispers and a lot of guess work needed on behalf of the viewer.
  • The next three episodes follow this trail and might include the collateral damage from the previous season’s “Big Bad”, now entitled “Soon-to-be-forgotten-slightly-smaller-Bad”.
  • The following fifteen or so episodes completely drop the story line and seem to wander off to get lost in the woods, tripping over random background stories and introducing nuggets of the DC Universe, after letting the writers butcher them first. Of course.
  • The last five episodes wake up in the woods, remember there was a story to be told and get to work on rushing through the story only to cut the last three to five minutes so they have something for the start of the next season.
  • Rinse and repeat! For ten years!

The Name Calling:

Calling out a different name while sharing a romantic, passionate moment with someone, is nothing short of disastrous. Maybe even relationship-breaking. Yet again, Smallville does not disappoint. Clark Kent runs around Metropolis fighting crime and then vandalizing the city by laser tagging a nearby surface with The House of El’s coat of arms, the iconic:

With the symbol scattered all over Metropolis, the good people decide to name their Unseen Hero, The Blur. This is apparently short for The Red-Blue Blur. May I please be forgiven for admitting this truth. Every time I hear one of the most recognized Super Hero’s in the world referred to as the Blur, all I can picture is this:

Coincidentally I had two of these as a child. Why two? Well, one fell to the ole “let’s take it apart and see how it works, but then can’t put it back together quite the way it was supposed to be” scheme. That’s not really relevant at this point I guess.

The Great Pretender:

Imagine the horror. You wake up to find that the person you have shared a decent portion of your life with, has pretended to be somebody else. They say, “A Picture speaks a thousand words”:

The more and more I compare Smallville to a loving partner, the deeper my depression goes. The rage and the anger have subsided only to be replaced with a feeling of inadequacy on my part. What did I do to make the show hurt me so many times? Was it my fault? Where did I go wrong?

Screw that! Onto “Section 3 – YOU DID WHAT! – How they butchered the DC Universe and the Superman Lore”.

This will be followed by “Section 4 – The Finale! – Oh, you can’t quite get it up, they have pills for that you know!”

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Posted by on May 29, 2011 in television brings the pain, Uncategorized

 

Finally!!!

Friday brings the end of an era!

<<CAUTION: This post was probably the main reason I set up this Blog. It’s going to be a long, hard trek so I will try to break it into sections. Also, excuse the tangents!>>

Section 1 (I guess) – The Build Up.

Like the person who forgot to wear their pants to school, I have been ridiculed these past few years. Not because of pants, or lack thereof. No for something else. For a television show no less. A super hero show. A show about a man that is faster than a speeding bullet, as strong as a locomotive and can fly. Well, er, he can’t actually fly and it has been ten years! You are correct, I am talking about:

Ten years ago, I watched the pilot of a show I had been anticipating for a while. Could it be? A T.V. show about a DC character? Long gone was Adam West’s (respect!) Batman, Linda Carter’s Wonder Woman and even Dina Meyer’s Birds of Prey! Kevin Conroy had packed in his cape and cowl on the regular Batman: The Animated Series. True he was doing The New Adventures of Batman, Batman Beyond, Justice League and Justice League unlimited right up until 2006, but there was always something about hearing the first three bars to Danny Elfman’s dark cartoon intro that sent shivers down your nerd-spine. This was it! A live show about Superman that promised to live up to, and be better than, Dean Cain & Teri Hatcher’s Lois & Clark!

As I sat and watched the pilot of Smallville, I knew it was something I was going to watch as long as it aired. Sometimes now, I look back on that day and wonder why I didn’t just go out and give it a skip?! Oh, yeah because I’m a wannabe fanboy and this was a show about SUPERMAN!

As the show went on, more of my friends were becoming interested in it and soon enough we used to travel to someone’s house and watch it as a group. After all, a group of young men (yes we were well past our teens at this stage) could appreciate the beauty of Kristin Kreuk and all the little inside references we could catch, and have long discussions about them. Whereas on my own, I’d have nobody to get excited over it with, no one to point out what was wrong, what was right or what comic that particular scene was based on. No, we were few, we were brave and bonded for a while to the crooning of Remy Zero. “Soooooooomebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave me!”. And for a time, it was good!

The group grew and shrank as the weeks went by, until I noticed, around Season 3 or 4, that everyone had something better to do than our weekly ritual of watching Lana pout, Clark being frustrated over something, or Chloe being that little too chirpy, while eating popcorn and wondering the same two things:

  1. When is he going to fly?
  2. Where is the suit?
After all it had been four years at this point. We began to feel a little cheated, and slightly used.¬†Without my Smallville-watching brethren, I walked the road that leads from Smallville to Metropolis alone. Determined to see this show to the end! I had read the stories about producers not wanting him to fly, that the suit would ruin everything, but I didn’t care! They would have to introduce these two fundamental Superman building blocks at some point, right? I mean, they introduced Lois, Green Arrow and practically every kind of Kryptonite ever mentioned and then some. He would have to fly and “become” Superman. I knew it in my heart! I became a prophet on my milk crate, preaching to anyone who would listen to me. “It’s going to swing around!”, “He’ll fly this week, I swear!”, “I think the suit comes into it tonight!” All delusions. All in my head. My friends took pity on me, and for a time, it was good.
 
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Posted by on May 13, 2011 in television brings the pain, Uncategorized